Asking for help

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Does it come as any surprise to you that one of the most common fears people have is related to asking for help? Yet asking for help is exactly what can help us move forward, achieve success, overcome challenges and experience a sense of fulfillment.

What IS the best way to deal with fear so that it doesn’t become a stumbling block and limit your success in life?

In this article I share my tips on managing one of our most common, unspoken fears – asking for help.

Fear is an obstacle to asking for help

Over the past few years my community has been impacted massively by severe drought and bushfires. Before that there were floods. With government and community support flowing in, it’s been interesting to witness how few people asked for the help that was available to them. Yes, we could argue that some of it wasn’t the right sort of help, or not offered in ways that were inviting and accessible. But during confidential one-on-one conversations with farmers, business owners and residents, it was evident that a number of fears were pretty big obstacles to asking for help such as hand-outs from charities and support from health professionals.

fear and possibility

Fear is the voice in your head that tells you not to ask for help

I like to describe fear as the voice in your head that tries to keep you safe. In the case of (not) asking for help, the voice of fear can bring up feelings of shame, lack of worth and pride. The voices of fear say things such as:

  • They’ll think you’re stupid if you ask for help.
  • You should be ashamed of yourself for getting into this predicament.
  • You never get anything right, you’re a failure.
  • Other people need / deserve help more than you.
  • It’s your own fault and you don’t deserve help. If only you had done [X] then this wouldn’t have happened.
  • You should have been prepared for this to happen, now you have to put up with the consequences.
  • You got yourself into this, you’ll have to get yourself out of it.
  • Asking for help is a sign of weakness.
  • Taking handouts would prove how lowly you are.
  • If you ask for help they’ll say ‘no’ then you’ll feel even worse.
  • Fear is trying to keep you safe but sometimes it oversteps the mark

Fear is trying to keep you safe but it can overstep the mark!

It’s just as well you have an in-built system of staying safe because there are dangers in our world that you need to prepare for and protect yourself from. Fear gets you ready to fight off the danger, run away and hide from it, or freeze. Even when there is no logical risk of danger, fear will continue to search for the possibility of it … just in case. This includes physical as well as emotional danger.

In most situations, asking for help isn’t going to put you in physical danger especially when it comes to asking for help that’s been offered to you by organisations and governments to assist with natural disasters. However emotional safety is at risk. Asking for help means opening a part of yourself that you usually keep hidden away. You feel vulnerable asking for help because those voices of fear have been shouting loud and clear and before you know it, you believe every word they say – even if it’s not true! In an effort to keep you safe, fear can overstep its mark and keep you small and scared, floundering in the wilderness of independence and isolation.

fight flight freeze OR pause breathe think

Put fear back in its place

Despite how tempting it might seem to completely do away with fear altogether, it’s an essential mechanism for survival. You can use the following strategies to keep fear in its place so that you don’t avoid asking for help when it could actually be, well, quite helpful to do so!

Listen to the voices of fear

It will seem strange at first, but no, it doesn’t mean you’re going crazy! What’s behind your voices of fear? Is is worry about what others think? Is it about people-pleasing? Is it shame and feelings of lack of worth? Guilt? A sense of failure? A desire for independence? Something else? When you get to know what’s behind your fear, you can respond to that instead of the fear itself.

Practise noticing when fear steps across the line of reason

Keep practising this noticing technique your whole life long. Simply noticing and remembering that fear is trying to keep you safe can settle those voices down a little bit.

Speak back to the voices of fear that are stopping you from asking for help

You could say:

  • Where’s the evidence for that?
  • Just because that happened before doesn’t mean it will happen again.
  • I pay my taxes and I deserve to claim some of that back in help.
  • We’re all wiser with hindsight. I did the best I could with the knowledge and skills and resources I had then. I can do my best now and that includes asking for professional / financial help.
  • I ask the solicitor for specialist advice about legal matters. I ask the garden shop for specialist advice about my garden. I ask the shoe shop for advice about buying new shoes. I can ask for help for anything I like including my relationships, my finances, my mental health.
  • If I ask for help, it will make other people feel like they can ask for help too.
Use some metaphors to re-imagine how your fear is behaving and how you could manage it

For example, you can picture yourself in a car putting fear in the back seat, strapping it in with a harness, and taking charge of the steering wheel yourself. If you are avoiding asking for help because the voices of fear are jumping up and down and shouting at you that everyone will think you’re stupid, don’t allow them to take control of your every movement. Be in charge of your emotions rather than allowing them to be in charge of you.

Another metaphor is to imagine that your voices of fear have a volume dial. You have control over how loud you allow your voices to be. Dial them down when they are clearly being irrational and there’s no evidence for what they are saying. Allow the volume to be louder when the risk of danger is higher.

Tell someone that you’re feeling reluctant about the idea of asking for help

Worries like these hate the light of day and as soon as you bring them out into the open, they tend to reduce in size or go away altogether. Fears about asking for help can seem very worrying when we keep them to ourselves; they gain power in your silence. Talking about your fears can lead to practical solutions that make it easier to ask for help.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness.

It uses inner courage and strength. Asking for help is a good thing. It’s how you find out information, learn and grow. It means you put the well-being of your loved ones above any fears or misgivings you harbour about asking for help.

are you feeding your fears

Use fear as a stepping stone to asking for help and achieving success

When you are ready, willing and able to ask for help, you put yourself in a powerful position to move beyond the position you’re currently in – whether that’s financial stress, relationship difficulties, health problems or anything else. You position yourself to succeed and experience a sense of fulfillment by overcoming the challenges. Don’t let fear become the stumbling block that prevents you from asking for help. Use it as a stepping stone to success.

Daisy Spoke avatar has long curly hair and smiling mouth

Discovering mountain biking as life’s ultimate parallel universe in her middle age, Kathryn Walton shares information and reflections in ‘Daisy Spoke’ that inform, inspire and empower women to a healthy and active lifestyle.

How to keep exercising outdoors in the drought

“How CAN you keep exercising outdoors in the drought????”

I’m writing this blog post because over the past year lots of people have said they just don’t know how I can keep exercising outdoors in the drought. We typically think of nature as nurturing and health-giving, a place of solace and retreat. Being confronted by a shockingly dry environment with frequent bushfires, brown landscapes that used to be green, National Park closures, and dry waterways, it’s clear that nature has a shadow side as well.

flowers before the drought

“It’s REALLY tough!”

To be completely open, I’ve also questioned how I can keep exercising outdoors in the drought. The whole climatic situation has been tough. Really tough! The ripple effect of the drought has swept up farmers, wildlife, local businesses, ‘town’ people, and those in the cities. We’re all affected in various ways either directly or indirectly. There’s a pervasive and damaging sense of hopelessness, and like any emotion, it’s contagious. Yet a sense of hope is exactly what we need to survive difficult or traumatic situations. Where there’s hope, there’s life. Without it, we spiral into a self-fulfilling doom and gloom mentality.

Exercising outdoors has been very confronting. I can’t walk on my home trails without seeing or smelling death. The brown dust colours my view as if I’m looking through a sepia filter. Ticks are in plague proportions. Swarms of good ole slow country flies are driving me nuts. The heat is unbearable. And there’s not enough water for washing your hair after a workout.

My stress tank is overflowing! How about you?

My connection with nature runs very deep, as does my yearning to be active. But in this tough time, I also came down with shingles. My stress tank began to overflow. I had to do something differently. Bushwalking and bike riding whilst constantly thinking about the drought and feeling unwell was contributing to the stress.

So what CAN you do when being in nature is SO stressful?

You have to put your creative thinking hat on to find a solution when things get tough. What worked before is no longer effective. The questions people keep asking me (and that I wanted solutions for too) are:

  • How can I reconnect with the side of nature that heals and nurtures and teaches?
  • How can I enjoy my time outdoors without feeling overwhelmed?
  • What mindset shift do I need?
  • What actions do I need to take?
  • How can I keep exercising everyday?
exercising in the drought
Exercising in the drought has it’s challenges

So I set you to explore this new territory and experiment with the possibilities!

Here are 6 solutions that I’ve discovered. I hope they work for you too!

1. Podcasts

If you haven’t got on the bandwagon yet, then you really need to! Podcasts are audio shows, a bit like a radio show, that you can either stream from the Internet or download onto a device to listen to later. I download episodes from my favourite shows onto my phone, plug my ear phones in, and listen to inspiring, energising interviews while I walk. Instead of focusing my attention on my surroundings, I lose myself in the show and arrive back home with excitement for life and new ideas to put into action. Watch out for a future blog post about my favourite podcasts suitable for Android or Apple.

2. Set an Intention

Before heading out on a walk or ride, I often choose an intention – something I want to focus on or get out of my experience. This is a personal choice, so it can be anything at all. Some of the intentions I’ve set for myself go like this:
“Today I will notice new growth”
“Today I will focus on the sensations in my legs”
“Today I will find fun”
“Today I will discover colour”
“Today I will notice sounds”

3. Mindful Walking

With mindful walks I like to focus on one sense at a time and when I notice my mind has wandered away from my body, I gently bring it back to rest on my senses. I’ve especially enjoyed focusing on my sense of hearing – noticing the many different bird calls, the sounds of the breeze in the trees, my footsteps on the ground, insects buzzing around, wallabies bounding along. I usually focus on one sense for a few minutes, then move onto another one. With my sense of touch, I focus on how it feels to have clothes on my skin, feet in my shoes as I take a step, muscle movement, sunscreen on my face, leaves brushing my skin. When I focus on my sense of sight, I challenge myself to find colours and light and patterns that I don’t normally notice. You can also use a meditation app with a guided practice for mindfulness of walking.

4. Photography

I’ve discovered that taking photos along the way really helps me to bring my attention to the beautiful things. Sometimes I combine photography with an intention or a mindful walk so that I can collect images that bring me joy, and at the same time it helps my brain to collect evidence that there is hope.

5. Make it Social

Walking or riding with other people can be really helpful because the focus is on that invisible connection between myself and someone else. Give me a deep and meaningful conversation with a friend any day, plenty of laughs, a chance to debrief the stuff of life that drives me crazy, and to celebrate the rest. Sometimes, too, there’s a sneaky competitive edge that sees me running or riding faster when I’m with others. Inevitably that ends up in a heap of laughs too, gasping for air, heart pounding out of my chest, and the satisfaction that I’ve done my weekly interval training.

6. Mix it up

I’ve always said “I’m not a gym person”. I’ve built a business and identity around my outdoor adventures. BUT, being unwell and being in the drought has helped me re-set my rigid thinking about exercise. Instead of going outdoors everyday, I went to an aqua class with a friend, did loops of the river walk in town where it’s a bit greener, and took up an irresistible offer to join a gym. I’ve extended the variety of exercise I get which is a fantastic thing! It will help me enjoy and have greater success with my outdoor adventuring which I’m still doing at least a couple of times a week. Going to the gym also gets me focusing on my sadly neglected strength training (one of those things I really ‘should’ be doing at my age!), all whilst staying out of the flies and heat. I get to make new friends and pace myself sensibly (sort of) as I recuperate. At home I’ve also begun a more regular yoga practice – something I’ve been wanting to do but it’s been a lower priority until now.

To Sum Up: Choose Your Focus!

It’s really all about CHOOSING WHAT YOU FOCUS ON. When we feel like we have What's my plan of action to deal with this issue?no control or influence over a situation (like the drought), it’s important to push the pause button, think about it creatively, and choose your focus. Like many people, I’ve struggled with exercising outdoors in the drought. The ideas I’ve shared in this article have made a huge difference to me, my mental state and my physical health. My hope is that they help you too.

Let me know what works for you! Have you got some other ideas to share with our readers?

Daisy Spoke

Discovering mountain biking as life’s ultimate parallel universe in her middle age, Kathryn Walton shares information and reflections in ‘Daisy Spoke’ that inform, inspire and empower women to a healthy and active lifestyle.

Daisy Spoke: The Story Behind the Name

Kathryn Walton
Kathryn Walton: the blogger behind Daisy Spoke

Hello! My name is Kathryn Walton. I’m the blogger behind Daisy Spoke and I’m absolutely thrilled to have you visit me on my blog. I’d love to hear from you anytime and hope that we’ll get to know each other a lot more, have a chat here and there, and share stories that inspire. Stories that get to the heart and soul of the important stuff in life.

In this post, I’ll share a bit about why I created my blog “Daisy Spoke” and also a bit about the ‘me’ that’s sitting here writing. The me that’s so much more than a job title (“blogger” or “mental health social worker” or “mother” or “wife”). The real me. Where I started and how my life path has unfolded, the things I love to do, and my hopes and dreams for Daisy Spoke.

A regional life

Born in Brisbane, I’ve lived most of my life in regional Queensland including the Wide Bay area, Redlands (before it became a city in its own right), and more recently the Southern Downs. I love being close to the rural heart of our country with easy access to National Parks, spectacular sunsets, and views that go on for days and days. It’s a dream come true for my family. Everyday we wake up surrounded by native bushland and animals, and the starry night sky is absolutely breathtaking. As with everything in life, living in the bush has its harsh realities. The region has been significantly impacted by many years of drought that affects the livelihood and wellbeing of primary producers with ripple effects across the country and beyond. For myself, I also grieve deeply for the land, the plants, animals, empty waterways, and the fruit, vegetables and other plants I can no longer grow and harvest for my family. 

Study and work pathways

Going back a few years (or more!) I really didn’t know what I wanted to do out of school, and at someone’s suggestion I enrolled in Social Work at the University of Queensland. I spent the next four years feeling quite lost in my course, but stuck it out to the end. When I graduated I took on a job in child protection and later worked in youth support before making the exciting move back to regional Queensland with my husband and two young children. I completed more studies, had another baby, and over the years took on a variety of part-time and contract jobs. It seemed that as a Social Worker, there were many options available to me in regional Queensland including school counselling, hospital work, and the Child and Youth Mental Health Service. I could see gaps in the delivery of services that left vulnerable people without support. My passion for connecting with children led me to open my private counselling practice in 2005. With the flexibility of setting my own hours, I was better able to juggle the responsibilities of parenting and paid work.

From individual to group work

After many years of providing play-based therapy and simultaneously supporting parents (usually mothers) I began to offer groups and workshops for women focusing on building inner life skills such as resilience, and healthy lifestyle habits that impact positively on mental health. I’d learned how important these skills were in my own life, and I knew I could offer support to other women as they put them into practice too.

Daisy Spoke” is born

In my 40’s I discovered the joys and challenges of mountain biking. This parallel universe has never failed to deliver lessons that are mirrored in my everyday life, and so I was drawn to search for creative ways to inspire other women to engage in outdoor adventures. With the roll-out of the new broadband satellite system across the region, I had access to a reliable Internet connection for the very first time. Hence, my blog “Daisy Spoke” was born. Here was a chance to get my message beyond my geographical area, beyond the 1:1 face-to-face sessions, beyond the small group workshops. The Internet meant that I could now share stories that inspire and empower women everywhere to be the pro-active force they need in their own lives.

Why the name “Daisy Spoke?

It wasn’t hard choosing a name for my blog. Daisies are my favourite flowers. I love their simplicity, colour and tenacity to thrive in all conditions. “Daisy” is also a figurative name for all women and girls. “Spoke” is a word with multiple meanings. From a vital structural part of a bicycle wheel, ship’s wheel or an umbrella, to the action of voicing, expressing and representing. Daisy Spoke is a platform through which I can share my love and passion for those things that inspire and empower me in the hope that they might also inspire and empower you to thrive in life.

Daisy Spoke’s future

Although Daisy Spoke was founded in my mountain biking journey, I’ve also used it as a platform to share evidence-based information about mental health, wellbeing, and the value of life skills such as goal-setting, time management and self-talk. Looking into Daisy Spoke’s future, I can see her growing and blossoming, just like we all do when we’re loved and nurtured. My intention is to share more and more stories about mountain biking, bushwalking and outdoor adventuring; creating and connecting; women gathering together and gentle kindness. I want Daisy Spoke to inspire you to explore your inner and outer worlds, to get outside and to be as active as possible in nature whether it’s on your bike, on foot or by any other means, and to listen to your heart with kindness and compassion.

I’ve discovered how important it is to talk to yourself with kindness. This has been one of my lessons learned on my bike. You need to be a friend to yourself in order to get the most out of yourself: “What do I need right now? Do I need to spend time in nature? Do I need to move my body? Do I need to spend time in quiet? Or with other people? Do I need time and space to create beautiful things? Am I balancing time spent serving others, with time spent serving myself?”

So, who am I?

Hello, my name is Kathryn. I’m a blogger. I’m a mountain biker and bushwalker, a Mum and a wife. I’m a business owner and innovator. I like home-cooked nutritious food. I struggle to get myself to bed early (“There’s so much life to live!”) and I struggle to get up early (“I’m so tired!”). I’m a passionate advocate for the active outdoor lifestyle (it keeps me vaguely sane). I have a deeply creative heart that finds immense joy in sewing, painting and craft; and intense frustration in not being able to ‘do all the things’. And despite the fact that I felt so lost when I first left school, I can see now that my path was steadily unfolding before me and will continue to unfold. Who knows what’s around the next corner or the next mountain for this individual and her blog?

Daisy Spoke

Discovering mountain biking as life’s ultimate parallel universe in her middle age, Kathryn Walton shares information and reflections in ‘Daisy Spoke’ that inform, inspire and empower women to a healthy and active lifestyle.

13 Things To Do When It’s Too Wet For MTB

For nearly 2 weeks the weather has been drizzly and windy. It’s exciting to see the browns turn to bright greens as the water soaks in and gives us hope that we won’t forever more be living in drought. But with our usual MTB trails and State Forests closed until the ground dries out, we have to get our fix in other ways.

Here are 13 different things that I’ve been doing instead of riding in the great outdoors. What other ideas do you have?

1. Baking. Especially coffee muffins. Perfect for your next mid-ride snack!

2. Go for a walk. If you can’t do it on two wheels, do it on two legs. Get out of doors, into nature and breathe in that fresh air.

3. Pace out that tricky section of MTB trail that gets you stuck. As you become more familiar with the tricky technical bits, you’ll be able to find a line and visualise yourself riding it. A great set-up for the next time you ride.

4. Spring clean that cupboard that’s been on your to-do list for months but you’ve been too busy riding to get to it. Admittedly, not as fulfilling as riding right now, but think of your sense of satisfaction as you cross it off your list knowing you’ve well and truly earned your next ride.

5. Rearrange your furniture, reorganise your shed or change-up your bike storage. The process of sorting and organising can be inspiring as well as energising, and flows into other areas of our lives.

6. Plan your next holiday or MTB adventure. Read, research, talk to others, plot a route on a map, create a budget, make some bookings. You know you want to!

7. Give your bike/s a bit of love and care. Catch up on your maintenance and servicing activities to keep your best buddy rolling along through your next adventure.

8. Remember those hobbies you used to have before you discovered the joys of MTB? Yeh, well they’re still waiting for you, so make the most of the rainy weather and immerse yourself in your other loves.

9. Go on a picnic with your family. You know, those other non-riding people you live with? Show them a bit of love and maybe at the same time you could check out that new trail in preparation for the next time you go riding!

10. Core strength training. We all know that MTB is so much fun that we make that our priority, and the added extras like core strength training are a bit hit or miss. So unroll your yoga mat while you have the chance and work those abs!

11. Gardening. It’s amazing how much strength training you can accomplish by even gentle weeding, pruning and digging in the garden. You’ll be sore the next day – proof that you’ve worked those muscles that have been sadly neglected through focused bike riding.

12. House management tasks. Get them done now while you can. Tomorrow could be perfect riding weather and you don’t want to be stuck in the house cleaning or needing to go to the grocery store when you could be outside with your friends riding.

13. Indoor training. Interval training on the stationary bike to your favourite rock music that gets your legs spinning, your heart pumping, and the time flying by. Bruce Springsteen’s my all time favourite. Nothing beats a good workout to the tunes of “Come on up for the Rising”, “Waiting on a Sunny Day”, “Rosalita”, and “Born to Run”. You’ll feel the difference in your fitness next time you have a real dinky-di outdoors-y MTB ride!

 

Discovering mountain biking as life’s ultimate parallel universe in her middle age, Kathryn Walton shares information and reflections in Daisy Spoke that connect, inspire and self-empower women to make healthy choices for themselves.